Chinese Learning Joke

Disclaimer: The translations of the various forms of "I" from Chinese to English was done by yours truly. Since there is no direct translation, many of these are rough stabs that try to convey the literal translation, which I hope will add more color and flavor to the joke for English audiences. While many of them may sound crude and unrefined, keep in mind that that is more a reflection of my best effort translation rather than a reflection of the culture.

Once upon a time, there was a foreigner who arrived in China to study Chinese with a professor of Chinese culture. On the first day, the student wanted to start from the basics, and so he asked his teacher what he thought was an easy question: How do you say "I" in Chinese?

His teacher explained, "China is a country where your status is very important, so depending on where you stand and who you are speaking to, the word "I" is will be different, just like how adjectives in English change depending on how many comparisons you are making (e.g. big, bigger, biggest).

For example, you just came to China, so given the fact you don't have any standing, to most people, you can refer to yourself as: ""我(I - most common)、咱(dialect)、俺(dialect)、餘、吾(Classical Chinese)、予(Classical Chinese)、儂(dialect)、某、咱家、洒家、俺咱、本人(my own person)、個人(my individual person)、人家、吾儂、我儂。"

If you are addressing a teacher, an elder, or anyone who is more senior than you, you should use: "區區 (I the Trivial One)、僕 (Servant)、鄙(I the Lowly One)、愚 (I the Humble One)、走、鄙人 (Your Humble Servant)、卑人 (Your Modest Servant)、敝人(Your Lowly Servant)、鄙夫 (I the Lowly Man)、鄙軀 (I the Lowly Human Body)、鄙愚、貧身 (My Poor Body)、小子(I the Little One)、小可、在下、末學 (I the Insignificant Scholar)、小生、不佞、不才(I, Without Talent)、不材 (I, Without Ability)、小材 (I, With Little Ability)、不肖 (I the Unworthy)、不孝 (I the Ungrateful)、不類、走狗 (I the "Running Dog" / Lackey)、牛馬走 (I the "Running Beasts of Burden")、愚小子 (I the Foolish Little One)、鄙生、貧生、學生(Student)、後學、晚生、晚學、後生晚學、予末小子、予小子、餘小子。"

If you rise to an official post, and you meet your superiors or even the Emperor, you should call yourself: "職 (I - of this Office)、卑職 (I - of this Humble Office)、下官 (I the Minor Official)、臣 (I the Official)、臣子、小臣 (I the Small Official)、鄙臣 (I the Lowly Official)、愚臣 (I the Humble Official)、奴婢 (I - your Servant Official)、奴才(Lackey)、小人(I of Small Standing)、老奴 (I the Old Servant)、小的 (I the Small One)、小底 (I the Small One at the Very Bottom)。"

If you meet those at your level, you can call yourself: "愚兄 (Humble [Older] Brother)、為兄、小弟 (Your Younger Brother)、兄弟(Your Brother)、愚弟 (Humble [Younger] Brother) 、哥們 (Your Buddy)。"

If you meet those below your level, you can call yourself: "爺們、老子 (I the Elder)、大老子(I the Great Elder)、你老子(Your Daddy)、乃公。"

If you really do well and get to the very top, like an Emperor or something, then you should call yourself: "朕 (I the Sovereign One)、孤、孤王、孤家、寡人 (I the Royal One/We)、不轂。"

If you decide not to seek an official post, and decide to become a monk or a priest, you can call yourself: "貧道 (I the Poor Priest)、小道 (I the Small Priest)、貧僧 (I the Poor Monk)、貧衲、不慧 (I the Not-So-Bright )、小僧 (I the Small Monk)、野僧、老衲、老僧 (I the Old Monk)。"

The last point is one you should remember - once you retire, have relinquished all your power and status, and can no longer stand up straight when you meet people, you should refer to yourself as: "老朽 (I the Old and Useless One)、老拙 (I the Clumsy and Dull One)、老夫 (I the Old Fellow)、愚老 (I the Humble Old One)、老叟、小老 (I the Little Old Man)、小老兒、老漢、老可、老軀 (I the Old Body)、老僕 (I the Old Servant)、老物 (I - this Old Thing)、朽人 (I the Senile One)、老我、老骨頭 (I, this Bag of Old Bones)。"

Of the above 108 forms of "I" covered so far, most of them are only commonly used by men. I can cover the other forms of "I" tomorrow.

After listening to his teacher's explanation, the foreign student was so terrified of Chinese that he could not fall asleep that night. The next morning, he bid farewell to his teacher and said, "I, Your Student, the Humble One, the One Without Talent or Ability, the Insignificant Scholar am leaving。" And so he returned his apartment, bought an airplane ticket, and flew home.



Original Chinese Version:

有一個老外為了學好漢語，不遠萬里，來到中國，拜師于一位國學教授門下。第一天老外想挑一個簡單詞彙學習，便向老師請教英語"I"在漢語中應該如何說。

老師解釋道：中國是一個官本位國家，當你處在不同的級別、地位，"I"也有不同的變化，就象你們英語中的形容詞有原級、比較級、最高級一樣。

比如，你剛來中國，沒有地位，對普通人可以說："我、咱、俺、餘、吾、予、儂、某、咱家、洒家、俺咱、本人、個人、人家、吾儂、我儂。"

如果見到老師、長輩和上級，則應該說："區區、僕、鄙、愚、走、鄙人、卑人、敝人、鄙夫、鄙軀、鄙愚、貧身、小子、小可、在下、末學、小生、不佞、不才、不材、小材、不肖、不孝、不類、走狗、牛馬走、愚小子、鄙生、貧生、學生、後學、晚生、晩學、後生晚學、予末小子、予小子、餘小子。"

等到你當了官以後，見到上級和皇帝，則應該說："職、卑職、下官、臣、臣子、小臣、鄙臣、愚臣、奴婢、奴才、小人、老奴、小的、小底。"
見到平級，則可以說："愚兄、為兄、小弟、兄弟、愚弟、哥們。"
見到下級，則可以說："爺們、老子、大老子、你老子、乃公。"

如果你混得好，當上了皇帝或王爺，則可以說："朕、孤、孤王、孤家、寡人、不轂。"

如果你不願意當官，只好去當和尚、道士，則應該說："貧道、小道、貧僧、貧衲、不慧、小僧、野僧、老衲、老僧。"

最後一點必須注意，一旦你退休了，便一下子失去了權利和地位，見人也矮了三分，只好說："老朽、老拙、老夫、愚老、老叟、小老、小老兒、老漢、老可、老軀、老僕、老物、朽人、老我、老骨頭。"

上面一百零八種"I"，僅僅是男性的常用說法。更多的"I"明天講解。

老外聽了老師一席話，頓覺冷水澆頭,一個晚上沒有睡好覺。第二天一大早便向老師辭行："學生、愚、不材、末學、走。"退了房間，訂了機票，回國去了。