Critiquing Essays

Recently I've been doing some self-study Chinese, and have found a tutor to help out. One area that needs great improvement for me of course is writing, and so I had my tutor start to critique my essays in Chinese. There seems to be a tendency (because my Chinese is fairly fluent) to assume that I can read and write just fine, when that is sadly not the case. Hence, to make a strong impression, I purposely winged my first essay (basically it means I wrote a first draft and didn't bother editing or reading through it at all) using very rough and imprecise language plus some shaky Chinglish grammar. And so I got the reaction I required to fully engage my teacher: Basically, I was told that my writing sucks and I need to really work much much harder!

As we are on the topic of critiquing essays, I feel it is appropriate to share some interesting tidbits from a middle school teacher in Taiwan who is about to shoot herself after having to grade her kids' essays. Here's what she said (translated from Chinese):

"I am a junior high school [Chinese] language teacher, and grading essays is the bane of my existence. If it was only having to deal with the messy handwriting, that would be fine - but sometimes my students would make up new words. If it was just making up new words, that would be bearable - but sometimes they insist on writing such illogical sentences. As a result, every time I grade, I don't know whether to cry or to laugh.

This time the essay topic I decided to hand out was about "food." In fact, I was quite pleased with myself for picking such a simple topic - there is no way my students can screw up such a simple and everyday topic, right? I mean, it should bring out their very best, and also reduce my own workload at the same time (and increase my own lifespan).

Of course, I was dead wrong. I've provided some laughable excerpts that these little "future geniuses of the world" concocted:

1. My favorite food is sashimi, but I am really bothered by the fact there are too many fishbones to pick out.

2. My favorite food is sashimi, but the only flaw is that it's never cooked thoroughly enough.

3. My favorite foods are vegetables, and of vegetables, my favorite is napa cabbage. Why do I love napa cabbage? Because it is a vegetable. (Teacher's comment: Is this a tongue twister?? [Makes more sense when read in Chinese])

4. My favorite food is minced meat with rice and Chinese meatball soup (both traditional Taiwanese night-market dishes); not only are they delicacies, they are two delicacies. (TC: Many thanks to your math teacher for teaching you how to count.)

5. My favorite food is whatever my grandmother cooks; her food is full of her love. However, if grandma dies, I won't be able to have any more of her wonderful food, so while she is still alive, I must take advantage of the situation and ask her to cook three meals a day for me. (TC: Isn't this some kind of a domestic abuse case?)

6. My favorite food is the kind of chicken meat that runs around. (TC: So before you eat chicken, you have to chase down your meat?)

7. I love eating good food, the kind that is on dry land, the kind of meat that you see everyday. (TC: You love to eat humans?)

8. I have strict standards for my favorite foods - it can't be made by a sad, heart-broken, chef. (TC: I think you watch too many soap operas.)

9. My mom is awesome, after she's in the kitchen, she can turn a an uncooked egg into a fried egg. (TC: Your point?)

10. Every time mom completes a dish, our family would cheer, and then mom would go back to the kitchen to make the next dish. (TC: I didn't realize your family is the kind that cooks and eats one dish at a time.)

11. I like to stroll through the night markets with my dad, because it makes me drool (the Chinese idiom literally translates to "makes my drool hang by approx. one meter"). Wherever I see those tasty snacks, I would tell my dad I want to try this or that, but of course I didn't get to try anything in the end. (TC: Poor child!)

12. I love eating my mom's home cooking; there's such a gap between her cooking and food at restaurants. (TC: Are you trying to say home cooking is better or worse?)

13. There are lots of delicacies in the world, amongst them, my favorite foreign food is the Taiwanese "dan-zai" noodles. (TC: Yo classmate, so what country are you from?)

14. Sashimi is just too tasty. Every time I think about it, my saliva would slowly ooze out of my mouth. (TC: Is it because this scene is in slow-motion for dramatic effect?)

15. There is one dish that I can eat forever, it's called "Twins" (a Taiwanese night market dish - I believe some kind of fried bread dough). The name should sound very strange to everyone; you're right - it is very strange. (TC: Huh?? Was anything actually explained?)

16. Whenever I eat, I eat fast and furiously. There's nothing I can do about it, because practice makes perfect. (TC: Whenever I breathe, it's always too fast too furious. There's nothing I can do about it, because "practice makes perfect." Man, is this how these kids use idioms these days?)

Other teachers have joked that in past lives, they must have killed someone, so in this life, fate has punished them by making them into teachers. Well in my case, I think not only did I kill someone in a former life, I must have killed the wrong person to have fallen to the depths of becoming a junior high [Chinese] language teacher."


Original Chinese version:

我是個國中的國文老師生平最痛苦的事情就是改作文
字醜就算了還會自己學倉頡創字
創字就算了還會用自己奇怪的邏輯寫句子
每次都改到哭笑不得
這次出的作文題目是「美食與我」
我非常沾沾自喜
相當期待這麼生活化又簡單的題目
一定能讓他們發揮的淋漓盡致
可以減輕我每次改作文到快往生的噩運

沒想到我錯了
這些天兵們每個都是笨板未來的棟樑......
節錄一些下來這些害我邊改邊大笑

1.我最喜歡吃的食物是生魚片，但是生魚片最讓我困擾的地方就是他的魚刺很多。

2.我最喜歡吃的食物是生魚片，唯一美中不足的是，他總是沒煮熟。

3.我最喜歡吃的美食是青菜，青菜中最喜歡吃的美食是白菜，為什麼喜歡吃白菜呢？因為他是青菜的一種（繞口令嗎？）

4.我最喜歡吃滷肉飯跟貢丸湯，他們對我來說不只是一種美食，而是...兩種美食。（真是謝謝你的數學教學）

5.我最喜歡吃外婆煮的菜，裡面包含了很多愛心，但是萬一外婆死了我就吃不到了，所以我要趁外婆還活著的時候，叫他每天煮三餐給我吃。（這算老人虐待嗎）

6.我最喜歡吃那種在外面跑的雞肉（所以你要吃雞肉前都要追著他跑？）

7.我最喜歡吃美食，是那種出現在陸地上，天天都看的到的那種肉（人肉？）

8.我對美食的要求很嚴格，他不能是由一位傷心的廚師做出來的（連續劇看太多了，孩子）

9.媽媽很厲害，他下廚以後，可以把一顆蛋變成一顆荷包蛋（不然？）

10.每次媽媽煮完菜我們全家都會歡呼，於是媽媽就走進廚房再做第二道（原來你家都是一道菜吃完再煮一道…）

11.我很喜歡跟爸爸去逛夜市，因為美食都能讓我感到垂涎三尺，只要我看到那些食物出現，就會跟爸爸說我要吃這個我要吃那個 結果我當然什麼都沒吃到 (好心酸的孩子)

12.我最喜歡吃媽媽煮的菜，跟外面賣的差的可遠呢(那到底是好吃還是不好吃?)

13.世界上美食很多，其中我最喜歡吃的外國料理是台南擔仔麵(同學,請問你是哪國人?)

14.生魚片實在是太好吃了，每次一想到我的口水都會緩緩的滴下來….(慢動作?)

15.有一樣食物讓我百吃不厭，那就是雙胞胎，名字聽起來大家一定都會覺得很奇怪，沒錯，他就是很奇怪（這樣有解釋到嗎？）

16.我吃東西總是又快又急，沒辦法，熟能生巧嘛(我呼吸總是又快又急，沒辦法，熟能生巧嘛…這位同學，成語是這樣用的嗎!)

有前輩說他上輩子殺了人，所以這輩子處罰他當老師
唉...我想我不只殺了人，還是殺錯人才會淪落到當國文老師。。。
繼續羞愧去......大家晚安